The definition of emotional maturity is essentially the relinquishing of the narcissistic illusionary omnipotent self image and the withdrawal of the projections associated with narcissistic omnipotency. Love and hate become integrated, as opposed to dichotomised, both are allowed to exist side by side. We can perceive ourselves and others in a less distorted way once we accept our own weaknesses, failings, frailties and imperfections rather than seeing our self or others as the ideal object. In accepting and tolerating our own failings and imperfections, we can accept failings and imperfections in others, in other words, perceiving others and ourselves as more real and human. This is mature object love. The opposite is to hold on to the infantile narcissistic self. We constantly seek out the ideal other, to incorporate in to ourselves, and in incorporating what we see as ideal in the other, we also project out what is not ideal in ourselves on to the other, and thus the narcissistically loved object becomes the hated object because it has incorporated all the unwanted negative aspects of the self and all the desired positive aspects have been absorbed. The dichotomy of the split love and hate aspects of Eros is maintained and love is buried beneath the surface of hate (evidence of the subsurface love can easily be seen by the outsider although denied to the awareness of the self). The perfect other, becomes the hated other. This pattern can be seen repeated in many relationships. This is infantile narcissistic love. Infantile narcissistic love can be traced back to the first love object and not integrating the love hate feelings towards the omnipotency of the first love object (the hate feelings have to be denied, buried and disguised or risk the first love object not meeting our needs). Therefore emotional maturity is the result of an integration of the love hate feelings for the first love object/objects. Emotional immaturity is the result of an inability to integrate the love hate feelings for the first love object. The conflict of Love and hate is still hidden from the self and not accepted as part of our view of the first love object, they are still held in their omnipotent perfect role. Object love embraces the differences and diversity and imperfections of the other as separate object from the self. Narcissistic love seeks out only the perfect in the other to be incorporated in to the self and replaces the perfect with the projections of the unaccepted imperfections of the self. At first the narcissist sees only what is perfect in the other because it desires that perfection, as time goes by and the transference and counter transference takes place, the perception moves from perfections, to imperfections, both are magnified, in turn, out of proportion, as the opposite is concealed, until only one or the other are seen.

NB. The first love object is that which meets our earliest needs

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